A man, visiting San Francisco, noticed a musty curio shop, which seemed to be forgotten by time. It seemed very out of place in the busy city. The man's curiosity was piqued, and he entered the shop. The store didn't seem to have much traffic, and the shelves were full of dusty, but interesting items. The man found himself strangely interested in a rather ugly brass rat on a shelf behind the counter. Ugly it was, but he had never seen anything like it -- it was so incredibly detailed, and life-like. He asked the shopkeeper for a price.

The man was pleased to learn that he could acquire the rat for only $5, and he handed the shopkeeper the money. But, before giving the man the rat, the shopkeeper sternly warned him, "This sale is final. If you leave the shop with the brass rat, I won't take it back under any circumstances."

The man thought the warning was curious, given that the rat only cost $5. Even if he decided he hated the rat, that was hardly an amount worth worrying about. He agreed to the shopkeeper's terms, and left with the rat.

At first, everything seemed perfectly normal. But, as he walked back toward his car, the man started to hear strange rustling noises around him. Then he saw a live rat scurry out of an alley, and start to follow him. Suddenly, rats seemed to be appearing all around him, streaming out of sewers and dumpsters, all following him and milling about his feet.

The man began to run, but the rats kept up in increasing numbers. The man realized that he was being chased by literally tens of thousands of rats. The ground came alive, as the rats swarmed behind him.

The man suddenly realized the significance of the shopkeeper's warning, and knew what he had to do. He turned toward the bay, and ran as quickly as he could toward the water. When he reached the waterfront, he threw the brass rat as far as he could into the bay. The rats raced past him, following the rat into the water, where they drowned.

The man returned to the curio shop, and upon seeing him enter the shopkeeper shouted, "I told you, no refunds. I don't want trouble here. The sale was final, and you can't return the merchandise."

The man smiled, and replied, "Oh, I don't want to return the rat. I just want to know -- do you have a brass lawyer in stock?"

A lawyer died and went to heaven and was checking in at the Pearly Gates at the same time as the Pope. St. Peter was showing them their apartments. He took the Pope first and his apartment was very sparse and bare. The lawyer began to worry because the Pope had been a really good man and the lawyer had been a bit of a wild one.

St. Peter then took the lawyer to his apartment and the lawyer was amazed because his was fabulous. It had everything anyone could expect out of heaven. He asked St. Peter why he had such a nice apartment when the Pope got such a sparse one. St Peter replied, "We have lots of Popes up here but you are the FIRST lawyer we have ever seen!!!

One day a man calls his attorney’s office “Is the attorney in?”

The secretary told him “I’m sorry sir, but the attorney died last week”.

A couple days later he calls again….”Is the attorney in?”

“I’m sorry, sir, he died last week”.

A week after the man calls again….”Is the attorney in?” he asked.

I told you the attorney died two weeks ago….why do you keep calling?” asked the secretary.

“I just love hearing it” he replied......

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace." The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The balding man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying them all.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather slick looking, well-dressed, gentleman. "Can I help you?" the madam asked.

"I want to see Natalie," the gentleman replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."

"No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charges $1000.00 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that is was very rare for anyone to come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts ... it was still $1000.00 a visit. Again the man took out the money, the two went up to the room, and an hour later, he left.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The gentleman replied, "I'm from Peoria."

"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."

"Yes, I know," said the gentleman. "Your father died and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3000 inheritance."

MORAL:

Some things in life are certain...

1. Death...

2. Taxes...

3. Being screwed by an attorney

"There is nothing sinister in arranging one's affairs so as to keep taxes as low as possible......nobody owes any public duty to pay more taxes than the law demands."
Judge Learned Hand,
U.S. Supreme Court Appellate judge