118 Things You Never Say To A Cop

1. Man, I have no idea how fast I was going'!
2. Can you hand me your gun?
3. Care for a doughnut?
4. Whatever you do, don't search my trunk.
5. What exactly is "legally drunk"?
6. So, what's a good bribe go for around here?
7. I hope you realize you're about to ruin a perfect record.
8. Okay, so I was speeding and I let you catch me - how about best of three?
9. If I were you I'd let me go!
10. Met your quota? Happy now?
11. I want your badge number and your superior officer's name right now!
12. You should give the ticket to my damn unreliable cruise control.
13. Speeding is an abstract concept, don't you think?
14. If I had known you were there I would never have been going that fast!
15. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"
16. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
17. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
18. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to...
19. Touch him.
20. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
21. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
22. Refer to him by his first name.
23. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
24. When he says no, cry.
25. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
26. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
27. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
28. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way.
29. When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first."
30. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers.
31. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name."
32. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one.
33. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.
34. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"
35. Trip and fall into him.
36. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
37. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.
38. Chew on the pen, nervously.
39. Clean your ear with the pen.
40. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
41. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar...
42. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him
how the plumbing was.
43. Act like you are retarded.
44. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
45. Or mumble to yourself.
46. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE?
47. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm... only 5 of you here tonight...
48. Ask if they know how to make the donuts.
49. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!
50. Ask if he watches Cops.
51. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.
52. Giggle if he did.
53. Talk to your hand.
54. Ask if he knows someone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends.
55. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.
56. When he frisks you, say you missed a spot, and grin.
57. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it.
58. Try to sell him your car.
59. Ask if you can buy his car.
60. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front.
61. Play with the siren.
62. If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.
63. If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner.
64. Oops... I meant OVER for dinner.
65. Ask if he ever had pu-tang.
66. If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.
67. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.
68. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.
69. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.
70. Turn your head and whistle.
71. When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that.
72. If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date.
73. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.
74. Ask if you can see his gun.
75. When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.
76. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"
77. Tell him you like men in uniform.
78. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.
79. Course I'm pissed officer, you'd think I'd drive like this if I was sober.
80. Hey Asshole! Buckle UP!
81. Officer, if I weren't so drunk right now i'd get out of this truck and kick your ass.
82. (After receiving a ticket) Thanks a lot, Officer Fuckhead!
83. Is that a baton in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me.
84. I was just on my way to your sisters house.
85. Say, officer, isn't that your mom standing around on the corner?
86. Are you just mad at me 'cause you couldn't go to college?
87. You can't do that, this isn't my car!
88. You look a little slow today, what, one too many doughnuts?
89. I normally keep all that junk right here (pointing to the dash board), but you see, this isn't my car, and uh, right! This isn't my beer either!
90. I dare ya to arrest me!
91. Ha ha! I got your guu-uun! (long on gun as in a mocking tone)
92. Bet ya can't keep up with me now that your on foot! (and drive away)
93. Can i borrow that pen? Thanks, just wanna break it so ya can't write me up!
94. Go to hell and have a nice day! (after tearing up ticket)
95. Could ya leave me alone for a sec? I just want to finish this beer.
96. Hey! That's my beer!
97. Leave me alone! Go eat some doughnuts or something
98. No officer! That beer is Ralph's. No, he's sitting right there! Don't ya see him?
99. 60 mph in a 30mph area? Could you put down 70 - I'm trying to sell the car.
100. Yes, officer I saw your flashing lights, but you didn't seem to be catching me, so I assumed you were after someone else.
101. Hey, you must'a been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
102. Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
103. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
104. Excuse me, but is "stick up" hyphenated?
105. Hi officer, do you mind holding my beer while I find my driver's license?
106. You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
107. Bad cop! No donut!
108. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.
109. You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
110. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked last week on "COPS"?
111. I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.
112. So, uh, you "on the take" or what?
113. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!
114. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
115. So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?
116. Hey is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
117. When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the video camcorder.
118. Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?


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