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The Dumbest Things Ever Said In Court

Lloyd Duhaime wishes to thank (or blame?) the American 'Lectric Law Library, from whom some of the following are reproduced. He also to thank lawyer Alan D. Humbert of Watertown, Massachusetts, from whose home page we originally saw (and loved) the list and from whom we have since received additional material for Dumbest Things Ever Said In Court. The following questions were actually posed by real-life lawyers and are taken from official court records. If any readers know of any other real dumb or dumber things said in court, of the caliber of those below, please e-mail us and we'll add them to our list unless, of course, they were utterred or said to have been uttered or otherwise emanating from the vocal chords of Lloyd Duhaime of Victoria, BC.

Now, in all fairness to the poor lawyers immortalized below as complete idiots, readers should be aware that recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that the slightest inadvertence is on record for posterity.

Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

What happened then?
He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Were you alone or by yourself?

What is the meaning of sperm being present?
It indicates intercourse.
Male sperm?
That is the only kind I know.

Can you describe the individual?
He was about medium height and had a beard.
Was this a male or female?

How long have you been a French Canadian?

How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?

Mr. Clark, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
I went to Europe, sir.
And did you take your new wife?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
That's me.
Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
By death.
And by whose death was it terminated?

Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
I'll be three months on November 8.
Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
What were you doing at that time?

Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
I used to be.
How many times have you committed suicide?

So you were gone until you returned?

She had three children, right?
How many were boys?
Were there girls?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
And these stairs, did they go up also?

Lawyer: What device do you have in your laboratory to test alcohol content?
I have a dual column gas chromatograph, Hewlett-Packard 5710A with flame ionization detectors.
Judge: Can you get that on mag wheels?
Only on the floor models.

Have you lived in this town all your life?
Not yet.

All you responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to?

Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Brown?
It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
And Mr. Brown was dead at the time, is that correct?
No. He was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

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