Women Vs. Men
by LaVonne Matts



The 9 Types of Girlfriends


Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have!"

Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat.

Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly.

Disadvantages: May wise up someday.




Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing no-talent SOB! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"

Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell.

Advantages: Pays attention to you.

Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans.


Sickly - " Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite!"

Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy.

Advantages: Predictable.

Disadvantages: Contagious.


The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."

Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes mom.

Advantages: Often right.

Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?


Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"

Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey.

Advantages: Easily soothed.

Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed.


Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idear. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."

Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out.

Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys.

Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs.


Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at."

Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly.

Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.

Disadvantages: You will have no friends.


Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship."

Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic.

Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable.

Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud.


Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now."

Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous.

Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited.

Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.



The Five Toughest Questions Women Ask Men


Here are answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask men.


1 - "What are you thinking?"

2 - "Do you love me?"

3 - "Do I look fat?"

4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"

5 - "What would you do if I died?"


What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.

For example:


1 - "What are you thinking?"

The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

a - Baseball

b - Football

c - How fat you are

d - How much prettier she is than you

e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died


According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."


The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:


2 - "Do you love me?"


The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:

a - I suppose so.

b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes?

c - That depends on what you mean by "love".

d - Does it matter?

e - Who, me?


3 - "Do I look fat?"


The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:

a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.

b - Compared to what?

c - A little extra weight looks good on you.

d - I've seen fatter.

e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.


4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?"


The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:

a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.

b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.

c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.

d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.

e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.


5 - "What would you do if I died?"


Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid exchange:

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"

"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you
ask such a question?"

"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.

"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.

"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.

"Of course I do, dear" he said.

"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."

"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.

"Yes" said the husband.

"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long
pause.

"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.

"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old
clothes?

"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.

"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of
me and replace them with pictures of her?"

"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."

"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd
let her play with my golf clubs, too."

"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed..."





What Men and Women Say and Mean



PART I


The Men's Guide to what the Woman really mean

You want = You want

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I'm Embarassed

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not
going to like

I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game
on TV.

Am I a little fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used
to it.

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he
goes to sleep.

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that
we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I
need to look at a few new pocket books,and those pink sheets
would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]


PART II


The Woman's Guide to What the Man is Really Saying.

"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.

"I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.

"I'm tired." = I'm tired.

"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of
this.

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma
are you going through now?

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that
much different!

"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep
person and maybe then we can get down to business.

(while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!



The Rules


1. The FEMALE always makes the rules.

2. The RULES are subject to change at any time without prior notification...by the FEMALE.


3. No MALE can possibly know all the RULES.

4. If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows all the RULES, she must immediately change some or all of them.

5. The FEMALE is never wrong.


6. If the FEMALE is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong.

7. The MALE must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstandings.


8. The FEMALE may change her mind at any time.

9. The MALE must never change his mind without the express written consent of the FEMALE.

10. The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The MALE must remain calm at all times, unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The FEMALE must, under no circumstances, let the MALE know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to "mind read" at all times.

14. The MALE who doesn't abide by THE RULES; can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp!

15. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.

16. If the FEMALE has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void.

17. The FEMALE is ready when SHE is ready.

18. The MALE must be ready at ALL times.




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Wisdom And Freedom produced by WORLD NEWSSTAND
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