What To Do When The IRS Comes Knocking (Advanced Tactics 401) -- by Gordon Phillips
This article is not intended as legal advice, but merely as a guideline to proper and fun-filled conduct becoming a law-abiding citizen when the Internal Robbery Squad comes knocking at the door, asking whether you intend to file 'overdue' tax returns, seeking amounts you are claimed to 'owe', etc..
The following does NOT pertain to 4:00 a.m. jack-booted raids featuring machine-gun-toting Special Agents sporting fashionable new Kevlar body armor and black ski masks kicking in your door, stomping your cat to death, shoving your pregnant wife up against the wall and causing a miscarriage, and so forth. Whoops. I got that mixed up with the BATF -- Sorry.
This article is about the IRS, and addresses the type of social call by Revenue Agents that the average American dreads to contemplate. After mentally arming yourself, however, this experience can prove invaluable in fortifying your sense of citizenship.
First, always remember that YOU are the Master (see the Ninth and Tenth Amendments) and that these uninvited trespassers are tax-consuming Public Servants. And never forget (assuming you're still forking over YOUR 'fair share' of Marxist wealth redistribution) that it's your generous annual tribute that pays off the mortgages of these federal actors, that puts THEIR kids through college, that funds THEIR retirement, etc. Hey, how much are THEY contributing to YOUR lifestyle?
TAX TIP: All 'good Americans', regardless of whether or not they still volunteer each year to commit financial suicide on a 1040 form, need to be prepared for the eventuality of the IRS darkening their doorstep. After all, they may have filed and paid ... but they may not have paid ENOUGH! Which means it's time for a weapons check! No, put away that double-barreled 12 gauge, Verne. I'm talking about a functioning videotape recorder loaded with a fully charged battery and a fresh tape. In the alternative, a standard audio cassette or micro-cassette recorder will do. Note: the digital type of recorder is OK, unless of course the batteries should die, in which case you would lose your recording, which is why we still cling to our trusty old Radio Shack analog.
TAX TIP: Be sure to keep your 'loaded' recorder right by the door, and take it with you in your briefcase or purse when out of the house. You never know when you might need to record other capricious acts of tyranny or selective prosecution, including routine unconstitutional traffic stops at 'random roadblocks'.
TAX TIP: You will need two (2) photocopies of Internal Revenue Code section 7608 on hand (more on this to follow). Again, keep them by the door, perhaps mounted in an attractively matched set of matted picture frames.
IRS agents usually travel in pairs so, as the joke goes, 'One can lie and the other one swear to it.' When you answer the door and spot these characters on your doorstep (which, of course, could be prevented in the first place by clearly posting your property 'No Trespassing'), you must immediately take charge of the situation.
NEVER under any circumstances allow officers of government (federal, state, or county) to enter your premises without a signed search warrant. They are trained observers and may make inferences about your lifestyle from your furnishings.
Before opening the door, especially if you're a single woman living alone, shout out loudly behind you, 'I'll be right back, boys. Just keep feeding those Rottweilers!' Anything similar will do.
Your visitors will expect your knees to knock and your jaw to come unhinged. Instead, throw them off guard by acting exuberantly pleased to see them (your impression of Marty Feldman as 'Igor' in 'Young Frankenstein' would work well here), stating that you appreciate the visit. 'Did you have any trouble finding the place?' If you need to go get your recorder, tell them you'll be right back ('Stay right there! Don't go anywhere!'), close the door behind you and go get it.
While they're waiting on the front steps (with a little luck, it's raining), relax and take a few minutes to go make yourself a nice, steaming cup of coffee, then go answer some e-mail, water your plants, whatever. Then grab your keys, step smartly and officiously outside and quickly close and lock the door behind you. Your impression of Peter Sellers as Inspector Clouseau in 'The Pink Panther' would go nicely here.
Immediately obtain their full attention by whipping out your trusty recorder (already in 'record' mode with the red indicator dot glowing) and pointing it right at them, explaining:
'You know, in spite of the fact that it's incredibly rude and boorish to bother a busy person without an appointment, from what I've read in the papers lately things have been pretty rough for you boys, what with seizures down 95%, so anything I can do to help boost your performance bonuses will be just great! Consider it my patriotic duty. Actually, I'm so pleased you're here because I've been concerned I wasn't paying my correct 'fair share'. I'm sure you can help me determine what it is. You do have the delegated authority to do that, don't you?
Since I can't possibly take notes as fast as you two can talk, I'm going to record this conversation in case I need it as evidence of fraud and extortion. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford one, don't look to me for help. Now, what can I do for you?'
Say all this with the genuine, demonic grin of a truly deranged individual, perhaps mimicking Jim Carey in 'The Grinch Who Stole Christmas'. If they don't turn around and leave at this point, as they often will, continue by asking:
'Could you kindly begin by stating your REAL names, not the aliases the Treasury Employee Union suggests you use to protect yourselves from potentially dangerous members of the pubic? Not that I'm dangerous, of course.' Try to look like Jack Nicholas in 'The Shining' as you say this.
If this doesn't cause them to immediately flee the crime scene (if they're running behind in their extortion quota for the week, it may not), ask them to prove their identities by producing their government identification. Tell them 'Your papers, please!' Your rendition of Sergeant Schultz in 'Hogan's Heroes' would be terrific at this juncture.
Explain that a local newspaper recently reported two escapees from a mental institution having been seen in the neighborhood wearing cheap suits, and they fit the description perfectly. Say 'One can never be too careful these days', doing your best Peter Lorre impersonation.
Make sure they hold their badges close enough so you can read the information out loud, and spell it slowly for the recorder. Also, state clearly the date, time and your present location. Then ask for their delegation of authority orders. Explain that they have no right to speak to you without clear authority delegated down from the Secretary of the Treasury 'right clear on down through your boss, the Commissioner of Internal Revenue'.
If they're still standing there looking like exhibits in a wax museum, you might want to spice things up by asking 'Hey, do you guys know what happened to the defendants at Nuremberg who claimed they were only 'doing their job'?' Then do your best Gene Wilder imitation, crooking your arm over your head as if holding a noose, cocking your head awkwardly sideways with your eyes rolled back and your tongue sticking out.
At some point about now, assuming they still haven't fled, they may ask you a question. *** Never, EVER answer a direct question. *** Always respond with a question of your own. Bear in mind that agents traveling in pairs often display the 'good guy, bad guy' strategy. If you observe this happening, ask the taller one:
'Say, I get it! You guys are using that old 'good cop, bad cop' bit where one of you acts like an aggressive thug with too much testosterone while your buddy acts like my friend, protecting me from his tough partner, am I right? I LOVE THAT BIT! I saw it again last night on an old Cagney flick. Can you please do it some more so I can get it on tape?'
If they're still standing there (man, they must REALLY need that performance bonus), here's an example of how some further conversation might go (role-play this type of light comedic banter with your friends and acquaintances until you find yourself comfortable fielding all sorts of inane, tax-related questions).
Agent: 'We have no record of receiving a Form 1040 from you for the year 1999.'
You: 'Gee whiz, I didn't know I was required to file a 1040 on exclusively DOMESTIC sources of taxable income! Are you sure? Did you know that a former Commissioner admitted in 1993 that one in five Americans no longer files returns? Do you guys still file?'
Agent: 'All must file. All must voluntarily comply. Resistance is futile.'
You: 'No kidding? Can you show me where it says that in the Law? Where do they wind you guys up, anyway? Can you show me the key?'
Agent: 'We don't have to show you anything. We're from the IRS.'
You (snapping to attention and delivering a crisp Nazi salute): 'You don't? Really? Geez, is this Cuba? Are we in Cuba? I thought we were still in the U.S. Hey, are you guys really from the IRS, or part of some new government cloning experiment?'
Agent: 'According to our records, you owe us $20,422.39 in unpaid 1040 tax for the year 1999.'
You: 'Really? No kidding! I didn't know 1040 was a tax. I thought it was a return. Can you show me where in the Internal Revenue Code Congress defined the 1040 as a tax? Wow, $20,422.39 sounds like about as much as you guys probably make in an entire year combined! How much DO you guys make, anyway? Are you sure you guys are REALLY from the IRS? Hey, didn't I see you on a recent episode of the 'X Files'? Can you please go back to the office and put everything in writing so I can have my case worker at The Save-A-Patriot Fellowship reply under power-of-attorney? Did you hear how the Fellowship whipped your butts in court? Hey, come back, where are you going? I was just getting warmed up!' At some point during this frivolity, stop, act totally surprised like Peter Falk in 'Colombo' (as if you've just remembered something ... slapping yourself in the forehead is effective for emphasis) and ask, 'Wait a minute. Wait just a gosh darn minute here! Does this visit pertain to SUBTITLE E?' (try to say 'E' in two rising syllables)
They will have no idea on Earth what you're talking about. That's why they're working for the IRS. So explain to them that subtitle E of the tax code covers alcohol, tobacco and firearms ONLY. Ask them if they're alleging that you're involved in any activity pertaining to those areas.
If they haven't left yet, whip out a photocopy of code section 7608 and hand it to them, while reading from your own copy (now you know why you need two copies). Be sure to speak clearly so you get this all on tape for the record. It will also make for hilarious good fun when you play this tape at your next family gathering or church social.
Point out to them that code section 7608 is their 'job description' -- their sole, duly authorized function as revenue agents. Here's what 7608 'Authority of internal revenue enforcement officers' actually says:
(a) Enforcement of subtitle E and other laws pertaining to liquor, tobacco, and firearms. Any investigator, agent, or other internal revenue officer by whatever term designated, whom the Secretary charges with the duty of enforcing any of the criminal, seizure, or forfeiture provisions of subtitle E or of any other law of the United States pertaining to the commodities subject to tax under such subtitle for the enforcement of which the Secretary is responsible may - (1) carry firearms; (2) execute and serve search warrants and arrest warrants, and serve subpoenas and summonses issued under authority of the United States; (3) in respect to the performance of such duty, make arrests without warrant for any offense against the United States committed in his presence, or for any felony cognizable under the laws of the United States if he has reasonable grounds to believe that the person to be arrested has committed, or is committing, such felony; and (4) in respect to the performance of such duty, make seizures of property subject to forfeiture to the United States.
Hey, where are subtitles A and C? Ask them to let you know where it says anything about income tax under subtitle A or social security employment tax under subtitle C? All you can find in 7608 is subtitle E? What gives? When they act perplexed, ask them to read it again.
Remind them, 'You know, fellas', this is your job description as written by Congress. Any activity beyond this would constitute criminal racketeering under RICO.' Once the light starts to dawn, now ask, 'Now which one of you wants to be listed first on my complaint to the Grand Jury foreman for fraud and extortion?'
If they aren't running to their car yet, ask them, 'Hey, wait a minute so I can go grab my cell phone and dial '911' to report a robbery in progress. Hey, wait! Come back! You haven't answered my questions! I need your office number and address for my criminal complaint!'
If possible, videotape them slinking (or racing) away to their government sedan and get the license plate number. Now hire a local private investigator to 'run the tags' through the DMV computer and trace the car to the IRS office these actors came from.
Call them on the phone the next day and inform them that you plan to submit the tape to 'America's Funniest Home Videos' and you don't need them to sign an approval waiver unless they want to. Tell them 'Your compliance is voluntary.'
Now run this tape on your local cable TV show for free under 'Equal Access'. Put up a web site and stream the video. Submit it to 'America's Most Wanted'. Call Geraldo Rivera. Show it at local gun clubs, high schools and flower shows. Use your imagination and you'll think of dozens of other ways to use this primary source footage to awaken your fellow citizens to IRS fraud in action.
Citizenship in motion is always good, clean fun. Now, go check those batteries! Yours For Liberty In Our Lifetime,
Founder & CIO: INFORM AMERICA!
Nat'l Representative: Save-A-Patriot Fellowship